Saxton Hale

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Yourpropertyjustgotdamagedbysaxtonhale.png
I'll beat them to death with my bare hands!

Saxton Hale is a daring Australian, President and CEO of Mann Co., and the star of many comics series. He is considered the fourth richest man in America. He was the sixth richest man in America, but surpassed the fifth by wealth and the fourth by killing him in a harpoon duel. His favorite pastimes include fighting, drinking, and battling with ferocious animals. In fact, most kids sleep with a teddy bear at night, but Saxton Hale sleeps with an actual bear that he tamed while in the Brazilian Jungles. His identifying features include a mustache, rippling muscles, a crocodile-tooth lined hat, and a patch of rotating chest hair shaped like Australia. He also refuses to wear clothes on his upper body "for obvious reasons".

Saxton is the most current male of the Hale family to take up the reins of Mann Co. since Zepheniah Mann left its ownership to loyal aide and tracker Barnabas Hale in his last will and testament. His boisterous presence is felt in all areas of the company, from the slogan "We sell products and get in fights" to Gorilla Wrestling Fridays – his attempt at employee morale building. He also fills out customer forms with tick-boxes to either intimidate any product-thieving rivals or commend new inventors submitting a new product idea to him. His inspiring image is also featured on numerous Mann Co. catalogs and promotional materials. He is known (and feared) for his belief in handling customer service issues personally, with his official policy being: "If you aren't 100% satisfied with our product line, you can take it up with me!"

Notable achievements

Artwork depicting Saxton Hale.
  • Cutting his way out of "primate hell".
  • Teaching his Girl Scout troop, the "Saxtonettes", fire safety tips such as "Grizzly bears burn".
  • Fighting off a lion while simultaneously having a haircut.
  • Single-handedly wiping out the Indonesian Berserker Shark (and making them cry).
  • Retrieving a stolen puck from a thieving tortoise despite its thirty minute head start.
  • Inventing Jarate, the JAR-Based karate.
  • Becoming the wealthiest man in the Western Hemisphere.
  • Becoming the fourth richest man in the world.
  • Firebombing Woodstock from a helicopter.
  • Being in no way involved with the explosive death of the American monkeynaut Poopy Joe, nor being anywhere near the launch site at the time.
  • Introducing the Crafting system to both the RED and BLU teams in an effort to stop the war.
  • Publishing a special issued magazine (at a price of 20 cents per issue, even though it was demanded to be free) to answer questions made by his fans about, among other things, playing Team Fortress 2 on a Mac.
  • Discovering the existence of the Internet and starting the Mann Co. Store.
  • Purchasing England.
  • Having a website made up entirely of absolutely true Saxton Hale facts.
  • Killing the perverts at AnagramYourName.com.
  • Hosting the First Annual Saxxy Awards.
  • Inventing the "high-five".
  • Eating a whole ostrich.
  • 'Manslaughtering' 1593 physicians.
  • Defeating Dr. McNinja in a popularity contest.

Mann Co. comics

Issue Comic Info

Saxton Hale's
Mail Storm

Saxton Hale's Mail Storm had its first and only issue published in March 1964 to help explain the new Federal recall of all 36 million Gold Coast-Tweed personal apple corers, due to their tendency to not only core apples, but fingers, lamps, and small furry animals. When the government demanded the comic be issued for free, Mann Co. responded by raising its usual price of twelve cents an issue to twenty, reasoning that if anyone was going to get something for free, they were going to pay for it.

Mailstorm large.jpg
Issue #1

Saxton Hale's Mildly Thrilling Tales

As the youth movement of the 1960s escalated, manufacturers produced fewer and fewer products for the elderly. By 1963, only four items remained: hats, meat, caskets, and Saxton Hale's Mildly Thrilling Tales. Naked from the forehead down, lying in their coffins gumming Salisbury steak, an entire generation of despondent, forgotten consumers was left with just one thing on which to spend their government checks: Hale's tepid, senior-friendly tales of modest suspense. Saxton Hale Visits His Mother Monthly and Soothing Stories of Familiar Things soon followed. Hale quickly became the wealthiest man in the Western Hemisphere.

Saxton turtle.jpg
Issue #4

Girl's Adventure Starring Saxton Hale

Boy's Adventure with Saxton Hale came under fire from the Senate Subcommittee on Juvenile Delinquency in 1968 for teaching boys aged 6-16, among other things: moral turpitude, arson, vandalism, hippie assault, tax fraud, at-home laryngectomies, car theft, gorilla slaughter, and the Heimlich Maneuver (which had just been invented and was still considered controversial). Pressured by the Senate, Mann Co. changed the name to Girl's Adventure With Saxton Hale, as it was commonly thought at the time that girls couldn't do anything, so any lessons taught to them would be harmless.

Saxton fire.jpg
Issue #6

Saxton Hale's
Barbershop Action

Saxton Hale's Barbershop Action capitalized on the brief "haircut" fad of the early 60s. Its breakaway success would lead to the ancillary titles Saxton Hale's Barbershop Romance and Haircut Horrors Starring Saxton Hale's Ghost. By Issue #40, however, the Peacenik movement had gripped America in its filthy, tangled mane, and haircut fiction saw a steep decline. This would be the start of a lifelong feud between Hale and hippies, which would culminate in his firebombing Woodstock from a helicopter.

Saxton haircut.jpg
Issue #12

Saxton Hale's
Jungle Brawl

Saxton Hale's Jungle Brawl debuted in the U.S. in 1962, riding a wave of anti-gorilla sentiment following Russia's successful launch of the first monkey, Vladimir Bananas, into space. America's rage was not isolated to communist primates; that same year, monkeynaut Poopy Joe cruelly dashed the U.S.'s hopes of reaching the stars when its shuttle detonated on takeoff. Brawl was notorious for inflaming human-gorilla tensions during its ten-year run, most famously in issue #50, which was printed with gorillas' blood. Issue #50's print run of 17 million copies left only five gorillas on the planet.

Junglebrawl.jpg
Issue #44

Saxton Hale's
Thrilling Tales

Saxton Hale's Thrilling Tales first arrived on newsstands in 1961 as part of a bold Mann Co. initiative to sidestep an increase on postage costs for their weapons catalogs. The first 64-page issue contained four pages of thrilling tales and sixty pages of ads for exciting new Mann Co. products. But Thrilling's editors quickly discovered that showing Mann Co. founder Saxton Hale using a product in the story itself tripled its sales. Ads were cut to 32 pages to accommodate longer, product placement-based stories.

Saxton sharks.jpg
Issue #55

Apple

Saxton sees the unknown Apple store manager.

During the Mac Update, a non-canon comic was released that contained Saxton Hale. In this comic, Saxton Hale smashes through the Apple store's window, as he proclaims that he is going to burn the store to the ground. Saxton picks up a nearby device, presses a button, and then blows up the Moon with the Apple store's product ("iBlewupthemoon"). The product impresses Saxton so much that he decides to purchase the company. However, a figure in a black sweater (presumably Apple CEO Steve Jobs in his trademark turtleneck) appears and declines the offer. Saxton instantly recognizes the man and insults his curvy designs. The comic ends with the title of the next issue When Titans Clash.

Hale mail

Saxton Hale in combat with sharks.

The lucky few who sent in the Force-A-Nature order form[1] received an invoice from Saxton Hale himself, sadly informing them that the requested item was out of stock. For compensation, the sender received a signed photo of Saxton Hale standing in front of Ayers Rock with the words "Thanks for writing, little fella!" and a keychain featuring a random Team Fortress 2 class. The letter also advised to keep an eye on their mailbox, as new products could be on the way.

Yet more lucky senders who mailed in the coupon[2] received a letter bearing the Mann Co. logo and the snarling face of Saxton Hale. Inside was a letter informing the recipient that the requested product(s) were out of stock and that they should continue to check their mailbox as new items/legislation could be on the way, as well as several postcards bearing random cover images from the Mann Co. comics.

At this point, Valve asked players not to send any more money due to legal reasons. Valve donated the money they had received to Child's Play.

Gallery

Related merchandise

Trivia

Saxton Hale playing card
  • Saxton Hale's Thrilling Tales is illustrated by comic artist Mike Oeming.
  • Saxton Hale occasionally makes posts on the TF2 Official Website.
  • Saxton Hale's name is an anagram for a sexually explicit phrase that Valve may or may not have originally intended, as referenced in the Mann-Conomy Update.
  • Saxton Hale is implied to have been in a relationship with the Administrator some time ago, referring to her as a "chain-smoking seductress" and being on first name terms with her.
  • Saxton Hale has had a river named after his family.
  • In Poker Night at the Inventory, Saxton Hale makes a cameo appearance as the Ace of Spades in the Team Fortress 2 deck of cards.
  • A server mod called VS Saxton Hale allows one player, taking on the role of Saxton Hale on the BLU team, to fight against the rest of the players, who are all on the RED team. And, rather fittingly, he is usually equipped with strange fists that have reached the rank of "Hale's Own".
  • Saxton Hale's chest-hair changed shape into a Christmas tree during Australian Christmas.
  • Saxton Hale sent a letter to all Team Fortress 2 and Spiral Knights players on Steam requesting that the player go on a mission to reach the first Clockwork Terminal in Spiral Knights, in which if the player does, it leads to unlocking the Spiral Sallet hat.
  • Saxton had a moustache by the age of one, as seen in the poster for the Manniversary Update.
  • A child dresses as Saxton Hale during the Bombinomicon comic, in which the RED Heavy intimidates him until he cries.
  • While it is said that Saxton slept with a bear that he tamed in the Brazilian jungles, there aren't any kind of bears of any species in Brazil.
  • Saxton Hale, along with the Pyro, are playable characters in the game Super Time Force Ultra.

See also

References

  1. http://www.teamfortress.com/scoutupdate/force-a-nature.htm The Scout Update - Day 5
  2. http://www.teamfortress.com/sniper_vs_spy/day04_english.htm The Sniper vs. Spy Update - Day 4

External links