A Fate Worse Than Chess/Transcript
[expand]A Fate Worse Than Chess |
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[The first page shows a cover image for a comic, depicting a Yeti wearing a necklace made of flowers playing chess with a hippie, while Saxton Hale is in mid-air about to punch the Yeti in the back of the head. A sticker shows the comic is #78 in the series, released in August at a price of 12¢]
MANN CO. SAXTON HALE'S SAXTON INTRODUCES [The comic opens to two scientists in a small and dull room, with a shelf containing various scientific measuring cups, beakers and test tubes] Scientist A: Just beyond these flat gray walls, doctor, we fight our final battle against the alien hordes. And what a battle! But tell me: how do these aliens breathe our Earth oxygen? Scientist B: That's an interesting story. Well, not interesting, exactly. But it is long and complicated. You see, oxygen has the second-highest electronegativity of all reactive elements. Ha, well, besides fluorine, of course, which— [Suddenly, Saxton Hale bursts through the page of the comic, interrupting the comic] Saxton Hale: EXPOSITION! The art of stopping a story so nerds can find out how things work! It's awful. So I came up with a brand new way to tell stories! EXPLOSITION!® Let's see thats same scene again. [The scene has now been dramatically altered, replacing the scientists with two women wielding swords fighting atop an active volcano, as pterodactyls circle them] Graveline: DAMN your heaving bosoms, Synestra! You'll tell me how aliens breathe oxygen, or I'll gut you like one of your pet terror-dactyles! Synestra: It's a fascinating tale, Graveline! What a pity you won't be alive to hear it! But it involves fluorine! [Saxton Hale emerges from behind the page] Saxton Hale: There! I fixed reading! But don't take my word for it! See for yourself, in the explository tale I call... A FATE WORSE THAN CHESS [The scene shifts to a jungle with mountains in the background. Two hippies are stationed behind a log, with Saxton Hale — under the alias 'Doctor Joanbaez' — next to them, alongside Mr. Bidwell nearby with a telephone, both visibly disguised as hippies themselves] [ Samdrup Jongkhar District, Kingdom of Bhutan ] [ Three days after the end of the Gravel Wars. ] Hippie: We're so sorry you had to wait this long to see him. But this Yeti is the last of its species. We have to be very selective who we let visit. That said, we're told you're a primate violence specialist, Doctor Joanbaez. "Doctor Joanbaez": Yes. I am the best at primate violence. I'll be square with you, though. This monkey of yours is a creampuff. Bidwell: Reddy? What is it? [The view shifts to reveal a passive Yeti across from them, sniffing a flower] Hippie: Yes, and thank god. When we found him he was unspeakably savage. "Doctor Joanbaez": You don't say. Hippie: It's taken months of behavioral counseling and intense aromatherapy just to get the poor thing this far. Even the slightest aggressive gesture could erase all the pacification work we've done. "Doctor Joanbaez": Something as trivial as hitting him? Hippie: Well-- "Doctor Joanbaez": In the face, say. Just spitballing here. Hippie: I don't even like to think about it. Nothing on Earth would be able to stop him. [Saxton Hale grins whilst cracking his knuckles. Bidwell now wears a shocked expression as he stands up] Bidwell: Slow down, Reddy. Which facility? What do you mean "all of them"? Sir, Mann Co. is under attack! [Saxton Hale turns to face Bidwell, no longer grinning] Saxton Hale: I know. Bidwell: We—what do you mean you know? Saxton Hale: Found out yesterday. Damn it, Bidwell, you know my stance on having sensible conversations with hippies. I'm stridently against it. Bidwell: You insisted I wear a costume for this operation, sir. Saxton Hale: Well, now I'm insisting you look too convincing. All I'm hearing out of your mouth is "I don't have a job, please put your fist through my sternum." Bidwell: Sir, when were you planning on telling me that Redmond and Blutarch Mann are dead and their long-lost brother is launching his robot army at every Mann Co. facility on Earth? Saxton Hale: Tonight. Over Yeti steaks. Bidwell: Mister Hale, we need to leave now. [Saxton Hale turns away, now grinning again] Saxton Hale: Bidwell, I have waited ten blasted months for this. I've forged credentials. I've bribed officials. I think I had Bob Hope killed, and in retrospect I don't even remember why that was necessary. I'm not going to sugar-coat it, we are probably going to jail again. If all that wasn't enough, I've had to pretend to be a hippie for ten minutes now. Listen to my words, Bidwell. These are truth words. I am going to fight that @#$%ing monkey. Bidwell: I-- but-- *sigh* look, I have a video camera. Maybe you could deal with this crisis while you fight the Ye-- [Suddenly, Saxton Hale's disguise as "Doctor Joanbaez" blows off in an explosion as he jumps over the log, with the text 'UNDISGUISED!' for dramatic effect, as Bidwell prepares to bring out a video camera. The hippies watch on powerlessly] Saxton Hale: Mercenaries! Join me for fortune and glory! Bidwell: Not recording yet, sir. Hippie: HALE! Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest! [The view changes to the perspective of a recording video camera, as Saxton Hale charges towards the Yeti, of whom is now noticed his approach and smiles to him] Saxton Hale: How about now? Bidwell: Rolling, sir. Saxton Hale: Good. Listen up, mercs! [He punches the Yeti cleanly in the face, with the text 'EXPLOSIPUNCH!' for emphasis] Saxton Hale: There are robots coming! [The Yeti, now enraged, begins to fight with and bite Saxton Hale's arm, causing it to bleed] Saxton Hale: I won't smooch backsides on this either. These things are bigger than you. They're stronger than you. In fact, now that I'm saying it out loud, they're better than you at just about everything. Bidwell! Idea! What if we just hired the robots to-- Bidwell: No, sir. Saxton Hale: Damn. Bidwell, stop tape. These mercs are going to die. Bidwell: Not necessarily, sir. We do have an R🙲D devision. What if we give them all our experimental new tech? Saxton Hale: "Give"? Bidwell. Can you see my teats in this shot? Bidwell: No, sir. I've chosen a tight close-up on the Yeti's fangs. Saxton Hale: Oo! Good. Where was I? Right. Teats. They're dry, Bidwell. Dry from from(sic) all the suckling. You and these mercs have suckled them dry. No. They'll pay for our products like everybody else! [The view shifts to a room containing a bloodstained package reading 'FRAGILE CONTENTS' 'FILM CANISTER' 'DO NOT EXPOSE TO SUNLIGHT' alongside some notes on a table, as well as a television, with all nine mercs — each representing either RED or BLU team — and Miss Pauling stationed around it] Bidwell: Sir, they are defending your company from extinction... Saxton Hale: Bullsauce! They're as neck-deep in this as I am! In fact, why am I even talking to you? Mercs! Your jobs died with the Mann brothers. You hear me? As of now, you are all unemployed! Also, straight plain talk here: nobody's ever going to hire a non-metal man again with these robots around! I've seen them. They are spectacular. Now for the good news! You're all re-hired! Grab a pen, here's your new job description: Kill robots! Now get out there and kick some can! [The end of the tape shows Saxton Hale being pinned down by the Yeti] Saxton Hale: I'd help, but as you can see, I will be fighting a Yeti for nine more hours. MAKE ME PROUD, BOYS! [Miss Pauling sits in a chair to address the mercs directly] Miss Pauling: So... Scout: Yo, Miss Pauling! Miss Pauling: Keeping in mind I will not be taking any questions from Scout... Scout: Aw. Miss Pauling: Are there any questions? Sniper: I got one. We getting paid for this? [Out of view, the television suddenly resumes playing the tape again] Saxton Hale: Saxton Hale again. This is pre-taped, so I don't know what anybody's talking about right now, but I am not paying you for this. Yeti: RRARRRGH! Saxton Hale: Whoa! Ha ha ha! Miss Pauling: For reasons I can't comprehend or explain, the robots run on piles of money. Destroy them and whatever falls out is yours. Any more questions? No? Good. Get to Mann Co. immediately. And remember... [The scene changes to the mercs gearing up to fight. Some of the mercs have special equipment, such as Engineer preparing a Gunslinger, and Demoman putting on a crown] Miss Pauling: [...this isn't like any other assignment you've been given.] [It's much, much more serious.] [This isn't just a fight for Mann Co., or Saxton Hale] [It's a fight for your jobs.] [Get to work.] TO BE CONTINUED IN MANN VS MACHINE |