Shadow Boxers/Transcript
| Shadow Boxers |
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| [The first page is a cover image, depicting the RED Heavy and Soldier, alongside Miss Pauling, wearing a crudely made robot disguise as robotic versions of the Pyro, Demoman and Scout survey the area around them. A sticker is displayed indicating the comic is #333 in the series, released in December at a price of 12¢]
ALL AMERICAN SOLDIER'S RAG-TAG, [The comic opens to the outside of a small wooden hut labelled 'Mann Mining Post & Parcel' in a desert] [ Coal Town. ] [ The front lines of The Robot War. ] Voice: Nhgh! This is impossible! In the Badlands alone, there are 306 Mann Co. plants, office buildings, warehouses and outlet malls! Don't get me wrong. It's amazing you've been able to save as much as you have. The museum, the quicklime factory.... [The view shifts to inside of the building, revealing the voice to be Miss Pauling, as she reads from a map of the Badlands. All nine of the RED mercenaries — alongside Archimedes — are also present, all covered in blood with varying injuries] Miss Pauling: *sigh* ...but you can't be everywhere at once. Guys... I'm starting to think we can't win this. Nngh! I'd kill to know where they're going to attack next! Soldier: The robots are going to attack the Mann Co. facility at 20 Gravel Pit Way at exactly thirteen hundred hours tomorrow. We will never see it coming. Miss Pauling: Uh huh. C'mon, think, guys. Where are they going to attack n— wait, what? Soldier, how do you know all that? Soldier: The robots told me! When I infiltrated their secret robot meeting last night! [Miss Pauling squints at Soldier in disbelief, as the other mercs look at him with expressions ranging from frustrated to smug] Miss Pauling: You— you infiltrated a... Scout: *ahem* Miss Pauling? Spy: If I may. Soldier, did you infiltrate a top secret robot meeting last night? Soldier: Yes. Spy: Indeed. Soldier, are we on the moon right now? Soldier: Yes. [Spy begins to walk away to exit the building, Scout following alongside him] Spy: Gentlemen, I've lost several liters of blood today. I will likely die defending a hat factory tomorrow. I'm going home. Scout: You said it, pal. G'night, Miss Pauling. Soldier: BUT I DID INFILTRATE THE ROBOTS! Come on, guys! Why would I lie? We're all Americans here! Miss Pauling: Well, not all of us, obviously. I mean, Medic's German and Heavy's from Russ— [Medic gives a small cough as Heavy nudges Miss Pauling strongly with his arm] Miss Pauling: Ow! What? Oh. Heavy: Ha ha! Germany! Russia! Is big joke! Big American joke on Soldier! Soldier: Ha! You got me! Heavy: Ohh, America. It is the place I am from. All the time. Soldier: You and me both, fellow patriot! Not like that Gray Mann! He was raised by eagles! In Europe! What an idiot! [Sniper, Engineer and Medic both begin to leave as well] Sniper: Heh. Eagles. Right, mate. Medic: Enough of this nonsense. Gute nacht, everyone. Miss Pauling: Okay. The Administrator knows about the eagles. I know about the eagles. Soldier, how do you know about the eagles? Soldier: I told you, I infiltrated— Miss Pauling: Show me how. [The scene changes to Soldier, Miss Pauling and Heavy at a RED team facility, as Soldier begins to open a locker] Soldier: Miss Pauling, are you braced? Because you will need to brace yourself for what I am about to show you. Miss Pauling: I'm braced. Let's see it, Soldier. Soldier: Are you sitting down? Because you should not be in a comfortable bowel-emptying position for what I am about to show you. Miss Pauling: I'm standing. You're looking right at me. Soldier: Okay, but are you pregnant? You should not b-- Miss Pauling: Soldier, show me! [Suddenly, Soldier puts on a poorly constructed cardboard robot head and begins to make robotic gestures with a 'NON-ROBOTIC SHUFFLING SOUND!' as Miss Pauling watches with a deadpan expression] Soldier: Beep boop! I am a robot! Beep boo— Miss Pauling? [He lifts the hat to see more clearly as Miss Pauling continues to stare at him, her brow scrunched up. Heavy begins to approach them both] Soldier: Miss Pauling? Don't be scared! I am not actually a rob— Miss Pauling: Leave it on. In fact, tape together another one. I'm coming with you. Heavy: Fine. This idea you both have? Is terrible idea. But if Miss Pauling is going... Heavy goes too. [The scene changes again to an island, where Gray Mann's base of operations — Gray Gravel Co. — resides. A Carrier Tank can be seen driving towards the island] [ One week later. ] Robot: Voice: Mm. Would you. And—just so I'm clear—you suspect these security leaks are due to some heretofore unknown "tactical master-mind" in their ranks. ...and not, for instance, because you mention our secret attack plans at every opportunity. [The view shifts to inside a building, the robot voice revealed to be a disembodied robotic Scout head being held up by a robotic Heavy, and the voice to be Gray Mann] Robot Scout: Gray Mann: Ah yes. The genius who built the decoy base. [A monitor shows an image of the headlines for a newspaper, depicting the Soldier holding a trophy with the headline 'LOCAL MAN WINS NOSE PICKING CONTEST' displayed] Gray Mann: You... are imbeciles. But I blame myself. Because I made you. Robots: Gray Mann: Ahh, the "hailing" circuit. My one moment of weakness. Yes, all hail me. But for my latest creation, I've replaced all that rote worshipping circuitry with raw computational power. May I present the smartest addition to the Gray Mann army... [He grabs a tarp and yanks it off, revealing...] Gray Mann: THE MECHA-Engineer! You may hail now. Robots: Mecha-Engineer: [Suddenly, the Mecha-Engineer points past the crowd towards Soldier, Miss Pauling and Heavy, all wearing Soldier's poorly made disguises, as the other robots turn to face them] Mecha-Engineer: Soldier: Ohhh boy, I'd hate to be those humans right now. Miss Pauling: Heavy? Heavy: Now is time to run. MANN CO. HEADQUARTERS IS UNDER ATTACK IN THE... |