圣诞头条
| 圣诞头条 | |
|---|---|
| 漫画信息 | |
| 发布日期: | 2011年12月14日 |
| 页数: | 14 |
| 艺术家: | 海瑟·坎贝尔 吉姆·莫瑞(封面) |
| “ | 是我老尼克!澳洲圣诞之灵。我来这儿“接”你们的孩子咯。
— 老尼克
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” |
《圣诞头条(A Smissmas Story)》是于2011年12月14日随澳大利亚圣诞节 2011发布的一部漫画。
故事梗概
漫画的镜头从一位体态丰满,头戴圆顶礼帽的商人阿奇博德开始,他欣喜地走向他运营的“给穷困者的招牌”非盈利慈善组织,同时大呼他的伙伴朱利乌斯的名字,告诉他有些“乐善好施的大善人”在他们这留下了一个炸弹以作捐赠品, 而朱利乌斯也肯定双城那些“用不起炸弹的双城贫困人民”将为之欣喜。在两人提到没有任何在那炸弹上留下姓名后,一个严厉的声音打断了这则天方夜谭。画面跳转,一名威仪孔时的法官目视蓝队的侦察兵,严肃地质疑侦察兵证词的真实性(即上述的捐赠故事)。而侦察兵提出他要同自己的法律顾问(正好是蓝队的士兵和间谍两人)进行确认,只见间谍无奈地趴在了桌子上,而士兵则微笑着竖起了大拇指以示肯定。侦察兵死不罢休,坚持声称他故事是确信无误的,但法官马上给出了证据,即炸弹摧毁的是“一座商场的圣诞老人培训设施”(Mall Santa training facility),而非什么慈善组织。法官随即指出侦察兵没有指认任何同伙(这意味着他是唯一的罪犯),而侦察兵立马指出士兵才是这一切的罪魁祸首,士兵听到后大喊“叛徒”并开始攻击侦察兵。法官最后不耐烦地判决三名蓝队成员去一座商场做社区服务,主持一场“拜见圣诞老人!”活动。
一对母子靠近了一脸不爽的侦察兵(正打扮成精灵),并询问他要等多久才能见到圣诞老人。侦察兵见状立马开始骚扰这名女士,但当知晓她有丈夫后立马让他们回到队伍排队。侦察兵继续警戒他身旁的两支排队队伍,其中一边专为“单身母亲”开放,而另一边对其余所有人开放。一个剪着西瓜头的小男孩杰克与装扮成圣诞老人的士兵(包括一顶圣诞老人帽,一套胡子以及节庆装饰)相见后便开始罗列他想要的圣诞礼物。可士兵拒绝了小杰克所有的要求,倒是给他剪了一头军装发。而当小孩的父亲准备制止士兵时,士兵也做好了痛打一顿的准备。他们打架时,间谍正和宝琳小姐通电话以请求协助释放。宝琳想要知道士兵是如何当上公设辩护人的,间谍没有直接回答,而是说道士兵的室友是个魔法师。当宝琳要求间谍得确保事端不会扩大时,间谍一遍看着士兵殴打小杰克的父亲,一边企图蒙混过关。
就在这时,老尼克骑着一架由一群凶猛的鹿和一只袋鼠拉着的雪橇赶到现场。他宣称他要绑架在场的小孩,而电话里的宝琳气愤地命令间谍妥善解决这事。当小杰克害怕地走向间谍时,间谍蹲下身来并将一根从付费电话站上取下的冰柱递给小杰克,并告诉小杰克遵照他的计划行事。与此同时,老尼克正和侦察兵与士兵作战,侦察兵使用一卷包装纸将一颗圣诞装饰球打出,击中了老尼克,而士兵用一个萨克斯顿塑像紧接着来了一次重击。老尼克爬起后立马抓住了身旁的小杰克并后退,将他作为人质。侦察兵警告老尼克那个小孩可没那么简单,而小杰克在老尼克大笑时掏出了冰棍刺进了老尼克的脖子。
老尼克倒在了地上,侦察兵立马上前祝贺,以为这一切都是伪装的间谍的杰作。然而,真正的间谍将新闻工作者带到现场,声称佣兵们是拯救双城儿童的英雄。在镜头前,侦察兵吹嘘他的“英勇事迹”也不过只像“星期六”一般常见,而士兵则骄傲地宣称他发现了“圣诞之战”并“大获全胜”。小杰克和间谍坐在一起,回忆他当时偷袭老尼克的事情,并说他已经不再害怕了。间谍表扬了小杰克,并祝他圣诞快乐。三位佣兵和小杰克一家最后一齐出现在了“双城时代报”(The Teufort Times)的头条上,图中侦察兵正勾搭小杰克的母亲,士兵扶着小杰克的父亲站起来且两人都一边流着鼻血一边咧着嘴笑着,而小杰克则坐在间谍的肩上,对着镜头招着手。而根据新闻标题中的内容,佣兵们因他们毁灭了“曾经所谓的节日神话吉祥物”(supposedly-mythical holiday mascot)的“英勇事迹”而得到了完全赦免。
文稿
| A Smissmas Story |
|---|
| [The first page shows a cover image, depicting Santa Claus punching a man wearing striped pajamas and wielding a snub-nose revolver. Various festive decor, such as stockings, a wreath, and a Christmas tree can be seen in the background]
THE BADLANDS "I FOUGHT SANTA... AND LIVED" [The comic opens to a bright, sunny morning as a man in a red uniform — Archibald — approaches a building with a sign reading 'BOMBS FOR THE POOR' 'NOT-FOR-PROFIT CHARITY' '~DONATIONS WELCOME~', while another man in a dark, desaturated blue uniform — Julius — is exiting. A BLU bomb cart making 'TIK' sounds is also present] Archibald: Julius! Come quickly! A most blessed event has transpired! Julius: Good heavens, Archibald! Do my eyes deceive me? Archibald: They do not, my friend! Some good— nay, messiah-like samaritan has left a ticking bomb upon our rail-stoop! Julius: Truly, it is a Smissmas miracle for the poor bombless unfortunates of Teufort! Archibald: Let us embrace in celebration! Julius: They never even left their names! It makes their heroism that much more legally defensible! Oh Voice: ["Let me stop you right there..."] [The scene suddenly changes to reveal a court room, the voice revealed to be a Judge, and next to him a BLU Scout wearing a blue suit] Judge: ...in your rambling, incoherent, highly dubious, self-aggrandizing story... ...to remind you that you are under oath, sir. Are you certain this is the truthful version of the events that brought you and your masked accomplice here today? Scout: You're damn right it is. I— Judge: No no. Really genuinely take a moment to think about this. Scout: Uh... maybe I better... check with my... legal counsel. [He turns to face a BLU Soldier wearing formal attire of whom is giving a thumbs-up, and BLU Spy with head on desk aware of how bad the situation is. A person behind them holds up a sign reading 'BLU & RED OUT OF TEUFORT'] Scout: Yes. Your honor, I swear that is exactly what happened. Judge: Fine. Then it will surprise you to learn that the bomb did not detonate in a bomb-distributing charity... ...which, as I've reminded you several times, has not and will never exist... ...but in fact blew up a Mall Santa training facility. And since you have failed to identify any of your co-conspirators, you will be sentenced to— Scout: Whoa-ho-ho! Nobody told me I could name names! See my court-appointed lawyer there? He masterminded the whole thing! Soldier: JUDAS! [Suddenly, Soldier begins to strangle Scout, as the Judge slams his gravel repeatedly] Judge: Order! Order! Soldier: I am going to kill you before they give me the chair! Scout: You— are— the— worst— lawyer! Judge: Enough! Nobody is getting the chair! I hereby sentence all three of you imbeciles... [The scene shifts to a mall, with Scout wearing an elf costume, and some families around the area. He leans agains a sign, with some text cut-off, reading 'The Teufort Dept. of Corrections invites you to...' 'MEET SANTA!' 'All year, every year' 'WARNING: The views of Santa do not necessarily reflect those of the Teufort-' Judge: ["...to community service."] Blonde Lady: Elf? Excuse me? How long is the wait to meet Santa? Scout: For a pretty single mom like you? How does right now sound? Blonde Lady: Oh, I have a husband. He's parking the c Scout: Backa the line. [Looking back at an unimpressed Scout with a frustrated expression, she and her child walk to a queue with a sign marked 'Everybody else'. Opposite this queue is another sign marked 'Single moms'] Voice: ["An' I wanna Action Saxton, and a Action Saxton Hippie-Drome Arena, an' a..."] [The scene shifts to later, revealing the voice of a young child called Jack sitting on Soldier's knee. Soldier is wearing a Santa hat, white beard and has the grenades on his chest swapped for ornament balls] Little Jack: ...Poopy Joe Rescue Rocket, an' I wanna... Soldier: Son, those are all just things you want. This Santa gives you things you need. One: A sensible haircut. [Soldier pulls out an electronic razor, of which is actively making a 'BZZZZZZZZZZ' sound. The blonde haired woman and her husband appear with angered expressions] Blonde Woman: Henry! That Santa's shaving Little Jack's head! Henry: Now hold on a damn second, pal... Soldier: Two: I will give you the gift of manhood. You are going to watch... [He takes off his fake beard and stands up as Little Jack's father — Henry — approaches them. Little Jack feels the top of his now-shaven head] Soldier: While Santa beats up your father in front of you. Little Jack: Yayyy? Voice: ["You need to get us out of here, Miss Pauling..."] [The voice is revealed to be the Spy, talking at a wall phone] Miss Pauling: First things first. How did Soldier become a public defender? Spy: It's a long story, but chapter one: his roommate is a magician. Should I continue? Miss Pauling: You know what? Nevermind. Spy: Thank you. Miss Pauling: The important part is we're working on it. Just don't make it worse. Spy: Not a problem. Soldier: C'MERE, YOU... Spy: Everything seems to be normal so far. [Soldier and Henry are seen bursting through some wall-dividing curtains, with Soldier punching Henry in the face] Voice: PEOPLE OF TEUFORT! [Suddenly, reindeer wearing spiked harnesses and eyepatches burst through a door, followed swiftly by a sleigh carrying Old Nick, of whom is holding a megaphone in hand] Old Nick: I am Old Nick! The SPIRIT of Australian Christmas. And I have come for your children. Soldier: ... Huh. [The scene shifts back to Spy and Miss Pauling at the phone] Spy: Out of curiosity. How much more trouble will we be in if all the children get abducted? Miss Pauling: Spy. Take. Care. Of. This. Now. [Spy looks down to see Little Jack has approached him] Miss Pauling: Spy? Spy? Little Jack: Mister? [He passes down the phone] Spy: Here. Hold this. Miss Pauling: What? Little Jack: I'm scared. Miss Pauling: Is that a child? Spy? This isn't funny! [Spy breaks off an icicle stuck to the bottom of the wall phone box] Spy: Mm. Perfectly natural to be scared. We're all in a lot of danger. [He passes the icicle to Little Jack] Spy: Take this. I have a plan. Miss Pauling: Little boy? Spy: But you must do what I say. Stay in plain sight. Miss Pauling: Run. Spy: Do not move until I tell you. Miss Pauling: Run! Spy: Do not listen to the voice on the phone. No matter how scared you feel. [The scene shifts back to Old Nick slowly approaching Scout, of whom has brandished himself with a mostly-used cardboard tube of wrapping paper] Old Nick: Wrapping paper. You plan to stop me... with wrapping paper. Scout: Yep. Why don't you bring that little mink stole over here and show me how stupid my wrappin' paper is? Old Nick: It isn't a stole, elf. It is a cape. And it's made out of — [Scout pulls a baubel from a tree with a 'POIK!' sound, before batting it at Old Nick's face. It breaks with a 'SMASH!' sound] Old Nick: You miserable— Soldier: The power of Smissmas compels you! [Soldier suddenly appears and hits Old Nick over the head with an Action Saxton figure, of which resembles the shape of a Saxxy award, knocking his hat off. The text 'COMPOUND ELEVATED SKULL FRACTURE!' is used for emphasis, as Old Nick falls to the ground next to Little Jack] Old Nick: UrNRnrnH... Little Jack: Mister? [Old Nick gets up with a grin, looming and casting a shadow over Little Jack] Old Nick: Well now... look who isn't smart enough to run. [He picks up Little Jack as Scout and Soldier watch] Old Nick: My workshop usually requires fifty children to function. This one will simply have to work very hard. Scout: Take my advice, pal. That is not the kid you wanna abduct. Old Nick: Really? And what's so special about this child? [Little Jack suddenly holds up the icicle and stabs Old Nick in the throat with a 'TUNK' sound, causing blood to spray from his neck.] Old Nick: AUUUGGHHHhrrrrghghghghghhh... [He collapses to the ground with a 'WHADUMP' sound, as Little Jack jumps off] Scout: Heh. Spy, I have seen you stab a million guys... and that... was my favorite. Spy? [A press reporter and camera man appear from the side, alongside Spy] Spy: Here they are. The heroes who saved the children of Teufort. Reporter: Teufort News. How does it feel to be heroes? Scout: If I'm honest? Feels like a Saturday. Soldier: I am happy to announce the existence of a conflict I was previously unaware of! The War on Smissmas! And lady, we are winning! [To the side, the Spy sits with Little Jack] Little Jack: I stabbed a man. In the neck. Spy: Mm. Little Jack: I did just what you said. I was so scared. Spy: And are you still scared? Little Jack: Hm. No. Spy: Good. Merry Smissmas. [A newspaper of the Teufort Times is shown, including an image showing Soldier with his arm around Henry's shoulder — both beaten and bleeding — alongside Little Jack riding Spy's shoulders, and Scout once more flirting with Little Jack's mother. The newpaper story is made up of dummy text] The Teufort Times Awarded Full
THE TEAM FORTRESS 2 TEAM! |
漫画页面(中文汉化)
漫画页面(英文原版)
细枝末节
- 漫画的第一页的设计参考了美国杂志《星期六晚邮报》。
- 气球独角兽在该漫画第一页的圣诞树上出现了,但它首次正式登场是在本作发布 6 个月后公开的影片《拜见火焰兵》中。
- 漫画的最后一页中的迷你文字事实上全部都是乱数假文。
- 士兵的台词“圣诞之力将使你屈服!”是参考了电影《驱魔人》中的著名台词“基督之力将使你屈服!”。
- 根据漫画《炸弹魔书》的内容,大魔法师马拉莫斯被确认为红队士兵的室友,而蓝队间谍在本篇中告诉宝琳小姐蓝队士兵的室友也是个魔法师,这意味着马拉莫斯可能同时是两队士兵的室友。
- 根据漫画《坟地争锋》的第 13 页,可以得知士兵的“法律权力”是由马拉莫斯的魔法“赋予”的,而这也是他在本作中能够成为律师的原因。
另见
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