A Smissmas Story
A Smissmas Story | |
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Comic Strip Info | |
Released: | December 14, 2011 |
Number of pages: | 14 |
Artist: | Heather Campbell Jim Murray (cover) |
“ | I am Old Nick! The SPIRIT of Australian Christmas. And I have come for your children.
— Old Nick
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A Smissmas Story is a comic released on December 14, 2011, to coincide with the release of Australian Christmas 2011.
Synopsis
The story opens with a scene of a plump businessman named Archibald wearing a bowler delightedly discovering a ticking bomb upon the doorstep of his "Bombs for the Poor" non-profit charity. He calls his friend Julius to inspect the bomb, excitedly claiming some good Samaritan has left it there, with Julius declaring that the people of Teufort will rejoice. After the two note the lack of any information in regards to the sender, a stern voice cuts the story off. A severe judge looks at the BLU Scout, seriously doubting the veracity of his testimony. When the Scout checks with his legal counsel (who happen to be the BLU Soldier and Spy), the Spy has slammed his head onto the table, but the Soldier gives an affirmative 'thumbs-up'. The Scout sticks to his story, and the judge presents evidence that the bomb destroyed a Mall Santa training facility. When the judge mentions that the Scout has yet to give any names, (meaning he would be the sole culprit), the Scout quickly accuses the Soldier of masterminding the plot, upon which the Soldier begins strangling him. The judge wearily sentences all three BLU team members to community service at a mall, hosting a "Meet Santa!" event.
A mother and child approach the resentful Scout (dressed as an elf) and ask about the wait to meet Santa. The Scout immediately begins flirting with her, but sends her to the back of the line when he realizes she has a husband. The Scout continues to guard two lines behind him, one for single moms and the other for everyone else. A boy named Jack sporting a bowl cut lists off the gifts he wants to the Soldier, who is dressed up as Santa. The Soldier's festive outfit is complete with a hat, beard, and some festive ornaments. The Soldier rejects all of his requests and gives him a military haircut instead. When the boy's father intervenes, the Soldier prepares to beat him up. As they fight, the Spy is on the phone pleading with Miss Pauling to help release them. Miss Pauling wants to hear how the Soldier became a public defender, and the Spy dismisses it with a reminder that a magician is the Soldier's roommate. When Miss Pauling orders the Spy to ensure things do not escalate, the Spy assures her as he watches the Soldier punch the father out of a banner.
Suddenly, Old Nick arrives with a sleigh pulled by a pack of aggressive reindeer and a kangaroo. He proclaims his intent to kidnap the children, and Miss Pauling angrily orders the Spy to take care of matters. When Jack fearfully walks up to the Spy, the Spy bestows the child with an icicle snapped off the edge of a pay phone. He instructs the boy to obey his plan to the word. Meanwhile, Old Nick is occupied fighting the Scout and Soldier. The Scout hits him with a bauble launched with a roll of wrapping paper, and the Soldier bludgeons him using a Saxton Hale action figure. Jack appears before Old Nick, who quickly recovers and grabs the boy as a hostage. The Scout warns Old Nick that the boy is more than he seems, as Jack quickly takes out the icicle and stabs Old Nick in the neck.
Old Nick crumples to the floor, and the Scout congratulates the Spy, assuming he had disguised as the boy. However, the Spy is actually with the media, who proclaim the mercenaries are heroes who saved the children of Teufort. The Scout boasts about how he is used to being a hero, while the Soldier is joyous about discovering the "War on Smissmas". The comic ends with Jack reminiscing with the Spy about his experience with stabbing Old Nick, and decides that he is not afraid of killing any more. The Spy congratulates the boy and wishes him a merry Smissmas. A front page of a newspaper has an image which shows the Scout flirting with Jack's mother, the Soldier grinning as he assists the battered father to stand, and the Spy giving Jack a piggyback ride. The headline declares that the mercenaries have been issued a pardon for defeating a supposedly-mythical holiday mascot.
Transcript
A Smissmas Story |
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[The first page shows a cover image, depicting Santa Claus punching a man wearing striped pajamas and wielding a snub-nose revolver. Various festive decor, such as stockings, a wreath, and a Christmas tree can be seen in the background]
THE BADLANDS "I FOUGHT SANTA... AND LIVED" [The comic opens to a bright, sunny morning as a man in a red uniform — Archibald — approaches a building with a sign reading 'BOMBS FOR THE POOR' 'NOT-FOR-PROFIT CHARITY' '~DONATIONS WELCOME~', while another man in a dark, desaturated blue uniform — Julius — is exiting. A BLU bomb cart making 'TIK' sounds is also present] Archibald: Julius! Come quickly! A most blessed event has transpired! Julius: Good heavens, Archibald! Do my eyes deceive me? Archibald: They do not, my friend! Some good— nay, messiah-like samaritan has left a ticking bomb upon our rail-stoop! Julius: Truly, it is a Smissmas miracle for the poor bombless unfortunates of Teufort! Archibald: Let us embrace in celebration! Julius: They never even left their names! It makes their heroism that much more legally defensible! Oh Voice: ["Let me stop you right there..."] [The scene suddenly changes to reveal a court room, the voice revealed to be a Judge, and next to him a BLU Scout wearing a blue suit] Judge: ...in your rambling, incoherent, highly dubious, self-aggrandizing story... ...to remind you that you are under oath, sir. Are you certain this is the truthful version of the events that brought you and your masked accomplice here today? Scout: You're damn right it is. I— Judge: No no. Really genuinely take a moment to think about this. Scout: Uh... maybe I better... check with my... legal counsel. [He turns to face a BLU Soldier wearing formal attire of whom is giving a thumbs-up, and BLU Spy with head on desk aware of how bad the situation is. A person behind them holds up a sign reading 'BLU & RED OUT OF TEUFORT'] Scout: Yes. Your honor, I swear that is exactly what happened. Judge: Fine. Then it will surprise you to learn that the bomb did not detonate in a bomb-distributing charity... ...which, as I've reminded you several times, has not and will never exist... ...but in fact blew up a Mall Santa training facility. And since you have failed to identify any of your co-conspirators, you will be sentenced to— Scout: Whoa-ho-ho! Nobody told me I could name names! See my court-appointed lawyer there? He masterminded the whole thing! Soldier: JUDAS! [Suddenly, Soldier begins to strangle Scout, as the Judge slams his gravel repeatedly] Judge: Order! Order! Soldier: I am going to kill you before they give me the chair! Scout: You— are— the— worst— lawyer! Judge: Enough! Nobody is getting the chair! I hereby sentence all three of you imbeciles... [The scene shifts to a mall, with Scout wearing an elf costume, and some families around the area. He leans agains a sign, with some text cut-off, reading 'The Teufort Dept. of Corrections invites you to...' 'MEET SANTA!' 'All year, every year' 'WARNING: The views of Santa do not necessarily reflect those of the Teufort-' Judge: ["...to community service."] Blonde Lady: Elf? Excuse me? How long is the wait to meet Santa? Scout: For a pretty single mom like you? How does right now sound? Blonde Lady: Oh, I have a husband. He's parking the c Scout: Backa the line. [Looking back at an unimpressed Scout with a frustrated expression, she and her child walk to a queue with a sign marked 'Everybody else'. Opposite this queue is another sign marked 'Single moms'] Voice: ["An' I wanna Action Saxton, and a Action Saxton Hippie-Drome Arena, an' a..."] [The scene shifts to later, revealing the voice of a young child called Jack sitting on Soldier's knee. Soldier is wearing a Santa hat, white beard and has the grenades on his chest swapped for ornament balls] Little Jack: ...Poopy Joe Rescue Rocket, an' I wanna... Soldier: Son, those are all just things you want. This Santa gives you things you need. One: A sensible haircut. [Soldier pulls out an electronic razor, of which is actively making a 'BZZZZZZZZZZ' sound. The blonde haired woman and her husband appear with angered expressions] Blonde Woman: Henry! That Santa's shaving Little Jack's head! Henry: Now hold on a damn second, pal... Soldier: Two: I will give you the gift of manhood. You are going to watch... [He takes off his fake beard and stands up as Little Jack's father — Henry — approaches them. Little Jack feels the top of his now-shaven head] Soldier: While Santa beats up your father in front of you. Little Jack: Yayyy? Voice: ["You need to get us out of here, Miss Pauling..."] [The voice is revealed to be the Spy, talking at a wall phone] Miss Pauling: First things first. How did Soldier become a public defender? Spy: It's a long story, but chapter one: his roommate is a magician. Should I continue? Miss Pauling: You know what? Nevermind. Spy: Thank you. Miss Pauling: The important part is we're working on it. Just don't make it worse. Spy: Not a problem. Soldier: C'MERE, YOU... Spy: Everything seems to be normal so far. [Soldier and Henry are seen bursting through some wall-dividing curtains, with Soldier punching Henry in the face] Voice: PEOPLE OF TEUFORT! [Suddenly, reindeer wearing spiked harnesses and eyepatches burst through a door, followed swiftly by a sleigh carrying Old Nick, of whom is holding a megaphone in hand] Old Nick: I am Old Nick! The SPIRIT of Australian Christmas. And I have come for your children. Soldier: ... Huh. [The scene shifts back to Spy and Miss Pauling at the phone] Spy: Out of curiosity. How much more trouble will we be in if all the children get abducted? Miss Pauling: Spy. Take. Care. Of. This. Now. [Spy looks down to see Little Jack has approached him] Miss Pauling: Spy? Spy? Little Jack: Mister? [He passes down the phone] Spy: Here. Hold this. Miss Pauling: What? Little Jack: I'm scared. Miss Pauling: Is that a child? Spy? This isn't funny! [Spy breaks off an icicle stuck to the bottom of the wall phone box] Spy: Mm. Perfectly natural to be scared. We're all in a lot of danger. [He passes the icicle to Little Jack] Spy: Take this. I have a plan. Miss Pauling: Little boy? Spy: But you must do what I say. Stay in plain sight. Miss Pauling: Run. Spy: Do not move until I tell you. Miss Pauling: Run! Spy: Do not listen to the voice on the phone. No matter how scared you feel. [The scene shifts back to Old Nick slowly approaching Scout, of whom has brandished himself with a mostly-used cardboard tube of wrapping paper] Old Nick: Wrapping paper. You plan to stop me... with wrapping paper. Scout: Yep. Why don't you bring that little mink stole over here and show me how stupid my wrappin' paper is? Old Nick: It isn't a stole, elf. It is a cape. And it's made out of — [Scout pulls a baubel from a tree with a 'POIK!' sound, before batting it at Old Nick's face. It breaks with a 'SMASH!' sound] Old Nick: You miserable— Soldier: The power of Smissmas compels you! [Soldier suddenly appears and hits Old Nick over the head with an Action Saxton figure, of which resembles the shape of a Saxxy award, knocking his hat off. The text 'COMPOUND ELEVATED SKULL FRACTURE!' is used for emphasis, as Old Nick falls to the ground next to Little Jack] Old Nick: UrNRnrnH... Little Jack: Mister? [Old Nick gets up with a grin, looming and casting a shadow over Little Jack] Old Nick: Well now... look who isn't smart enough to run. [He picks up Little Jack as Scout and Soldier watch] Old Nick: My workshop usually requires fifty children to function. This one will simply have to work very hard. Scout: Take my advice, pal. That is not the kid you wanna abduct. Old Nick: Really? And what's so special about this child? [Little Jack suddenly holds up the icicle and stabs Old Nick in the throat with a 'TUNK' sound, causing blood to spray from his neck.] Old Nick: AUUUGGHHHhrrrrghghghghghhh... [He collapses to the ground with a 'WHADUMP' sound, as Little Jack jumps off] Scout: Heh. Spy, I have seen you stab a million guys... and that... was my favorite. Spy? [A press reporter and camera man appear from the side, alongside Spy] Spy: Here they are. The heroes who saved the children of Teufort. Reporter: Teufort News. How does it feel to be heroes? Scout: If I'm honest? Feels like a Saturday. Soldier: I am happy to announce the existence of a conflict I was previously unaware of! The War on Smissmas! And lady, we are winning! [To the side, the Spy sits with Little Jack] Little Jack: I stabbed a man. In the neck. Spy: Mm. Little Jack: I did just what you said. I was so scared. Spy: And are you still scared? Little Jack: Hm. No. Spy: Good. Merry Smissmas. [A newspaper of the Teufort Times is shown, including an image showing Soldier with his arm around Henry's shoulder — both beaten and bleeding — alongside Little Jack riding Spy's shoulders, and Scout once more flirting with Little Jack's mother. The newpaper story is made up of dummy text] The Teufort Times Awarded Full
THE TEAM FORTRESS 2 TEAM! |
Pages
Trivia
- The first page of the comic is based upon the front cover of The Saturday Evening Post.
- The Balloonicorn appears on the tree, on page 1, 6 months before it appeared in Meet the Pyro.
- The tiny "text" of the newspaper at the end of the comic is the Lorem Ipsum filler text.
- The quote "The power of Smissmas compels you!" on page 11 is a reference to the popular quote "The Power of Christ compels you!" from the movie The Exorcist.
- Though the Bombinomicon comic claims Merasmus the Magician is the RED Soldier's roommate, the BLU Spy tells Miss Pauling over the phone in this comic that the BLU Soldier's roommate is a magician as well.
- In the comic Grave Matters, on the bottom of the newspaper on page 13, it is revealed that the Soldier has been given "Legal Powers" by Merasmus. This is why he is a lawyer in this comic.
See also
External links
- A Smissmas Story on the TF2 Official Website.
- The Australian Christmas Update is HERE! - TF2 Blog post
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