|Released:||June 17, 2014|
Engineer and Medic make an unsettling new discovery while experimenting with the teleporter. Meanwhile, Scout stops insulting Spy long enough to ask him an embarrassing favor; the Administrator's clerical assistant/cleaner/murder expert Miss Pauling races to bury some incriminating bodies; and Soldier makes a new metal friend.
|[The screen fades in to a shot of desert road, similar to Meet the Sniper. Light flute music plays with a soft drum accompaniment. A slow downwards pan to a crushed Bonk! can is punctured by a brass flourish. Suddenly, a Red Bread truck screeches into view from the right, knocking away the can and fishtails, nearly ripping off its rear bumper. It continues down the left lane.]
[Cut to a right side view of the van. The camera pans from the rear towards the front while a heavy drum beat plays. The logo is pock-marked with bullet holes and the white paint has been scraped off the sides. The camera continues panning and steadies at the van's open air cab, revealing a sleeping Scout and the Heavy hunched over at the wheel.]
[Interior shot of the cab. The windshield has bullet holes on the left and is completely knocked out on the right. The Heavy's bulk is apparent on the left as compared to the Scout's relaxed pose with his feet on the dashboard. Fuzzy dice adorn the rear view mirror. The Heavy continues to drive the van on the right side of the road when the dashboard monitor begins to softly beep.]
[Cut to a side view of the right-hand side of the cab. The Heavy looks disapprovingly at the sleeping Scout. He returns his eyes to the road. The dashboard beeps again and the Heavy hits the Scout without taking his glance off of the road. Shaken, the Scout jerks awake.]
Scout: Gwaa! Bwaa! What?! What? Oh.
[The Scout reaches over and with his right hand, pushes a button on the monitor. It is a video call from Miss Pauling.]
Miss Pauling: Scout, it's Pauling. Tell me you got the briefcase.
Scout: Yeah sure.
Miss Pauling: And nobody saw you?
Scout: Ehhh. [He raises his hands and shrugs his shoulders] Basically nobody.
Miss Pauling: [Her expression darkens] Scout, I'm here right now.
Scout: Well that's a funny story...
[The cab's rear door abruptly opens and the Soldier steps out, and with his right hand, hastily pushes Scout's face into his seat. The Scout throws up his hands, the Heavy is startled and momentarily loses control of the van, and the Soldier takes over the monitor.]
Soldier: [brightly] Hello, Miss Pauling! We killed everyone and took a briefcase!
[He brandishes a BLU briefcase ]
Miss Pauling: Not everybody, Soldier. You left seven witnesses, guys.
[A bloodied hand can be seen in the background reaching for help. Miss Pauling turns and shoots him with a silenced pistol. The hand collapses.]
Miss Pauling: [matter-of-factly] Six.
[The camera cuts to a rear shot of the van pulling into a dirt road flanked by rocky cliffs and several Sentries and a RED-owned building in the distance. A dead BLU soldier can be seen draped on the roof of the van. As the van drives in, a wooden prop of a cactus with some desert plants pops up and a painted curtain background falls into place, disguising the entrance.]
Miss Pauling: [she continues talking as the camera pans] Look, just keep the briefcase safe okay?
[Side shot of the van rolling down a ramp and pulling into a garage. The rear bumper falls off.]
Miss Pauling: Have a good weekend guys.
[Front shot of the van pulling into the garage. A BLU Demoman's boot can be seen sticking out from underneath of the hood which has a hood ornament reading "SWORD". The Heavy looks harassed and brings the vehicle to a stop. The dead BLU soldier slides off the roof. The Heavy leaves the keys in the ignition and exits the van.]
Soldier: [his hand still covering the Scout's face] Goodbye, Miss Pauling! I'm leaving the van now. (Note: captions read "Mrs. Pauling")
[The Soldier disappears into the rear of the van and the door slides closed behind him. Cut shot to the Scout who looks relieved at the hand being removed from his face. He adjusts his hat and headset with both hands. He looks back at the door.]
Scout: Bye bye. Okay then.
[The background music stops and the van grows quiet. The Scout turns back to the monitor.]
Scout: Hey, hey Miss Pauling! Before you go. Ahh-
Miss Pauling: Uh huh?
[She is dragging a body. He stammers and scratches his face.]
Miss Pauling: [distracted] Scout? What? Say something.
Scout: [regains confidence] You're probably real busy this weekend, right?
Miss Pauling: [finished with dragging body, she stands up and wipes the dirt from her hands] Funny you should mention that. Um. Looks like I will be... burying bodies all weekend. [she grabs a Fire Axe and brings her face closer to the camera] So you don't go to jail.
Scout: [stammering] Oh g-good. So...we're both busy.
[Cut to Miss Pauling on the monitor. She looks at him quizzically in silence. He returns the glance awkwardly. Suddenly a siren can be heard in the background with guards shouting. Miss Pauling reacts and turns hurriedly from the camera.]
Miss Pauling: Oh! Got to go.
[She disappears off-camera. Muffled shots can be heard. The monitor buzzes off. Cut back to the Scout with a pained expression on his face. Side view of cab with the Scout leaning back resignedly.]
Scout: Lot of people busy with busyness. (Note: caption reads "business")
[Heavy can be seen in the background, checking the fridge's contents. The Spy walks slowly, passing front of the camera left to right, cigarette in hand.]
Spy: [smugly] Asking out that dial tone again, I see.
Scout: [sitting up and angrily gesturing] Go to hell, Spy.
[He drops his demeanor and looks dejected. He looks down, then chuckles sadly to himself. He gets out of the van. The Heavy takes a drumstick from the fridge and tosses it over his shoulder.]
[The camera pans slowly with the Scout walking left to right from the van to the table. A medium tempo jazz instrumental starts with flute, piano, and drums. He tosses the keys in the air and deftly catches them. The Soldier attempts to extricate the BLU Demoman's body from the hood of the van. The RED Demoman takes a quick spin on the Teleporter and disappears. The Heavy manages to find a Sandvich and leans contently on the fridge door and takes a bite.]
Scout: [gestures to the table which holds another Teleporter, a loaf of bread, and an ashtray] Hey, look at all this. What have you two eggheads been workin' on?
[The Medic and the Engineer are discussing something, but turn to Scout when he addresses them. The Scout tosses the keys. They both glare at him, ignoring the keys which clatter to the floor.]
Scout: Nice catch.
[The Engineer turns to the Medic. He turns to address the Scout while the Medic steps back.]
Engineer: Yeah. Listen now... We've been running some experiments on the Teleporter.
[The Engineer gestures with his head to the Teleporter. The Soldier wanders over, interested. The Heavy remains at the fridge door, eating his Sandvich, but observing.]
Engineer: Well yeah. Y'all ought to take a look at this.
[The flute continues to trill in the background. The Engineer picks up his PDA and activates the Teleporter; it starts whirring into action. The Soldier stands with his arms akimbo. Suddenly, another loaf of bread appears, silently hovering. The Heavy is somewhat intrigued, but the Soldier is utterly amazed, reaching out with both hands to grab the loaf. The Scout, however, is unimpressed.]
Scout: [disinterestedly while the background drum beats a steady tattoo] Wow. You can teleport bread. That is...big news. Um. Is the Demo back with the beer yet? Cause I...
[He turns back while the Medic breaks open the loaf with a sickening crunch. The interior of the loaf contains pulsating green lumps and teeth. The Engineer winces while the Scout yelps and throws his hands in the air. The background music stops]
Scout: Whoa! What the hell is that?!
Medic: [cheerily, gesturing slightly with a half of the throbbing loaf] Tumors!
[Cut to the Heavy. He suddenly looks concerned and stops eating his Sandvich. He eyes it worriedly.]
Engineer: [adjusting his helmet] Y'all know what this means right?
[The Soldier suddenly grabs the Scout by the neck and slams him onto the table.]
Soldier: Arrghh! We cannot teleport bread anymore!
Scout: [choked and strained] Not my fault..!
[He nearly chokes the Scout and raises a hand as if to punch his face. The Heavy still leans nonchalantly on the fridge door. The Engineer intervenes raising his hands.]
Engineer: Whoa! Whoa... Not exactly, Soldier. [he places his hand on the Soldier's back and smiles] You teleport as much bread as you like.
[His smile fades and he removes his helmet. Ominous sounding strings start up. The Heavy looks at his Sandvich, sniffs it, shrugs, and continues eating.]
Engineer: That goes for all of ya. If there's something any of y'all wanted to do before ya...Well. Died. Now would be a...good time.
[Suddenly, the Spy's voice is heard. The Engineer turns. Cut to the Spy, languidly brandishing a cigarette from its case]
Spy: How long before these...tumors kill us?
Medic: Vell, let's see. [he gestures, thinking out loud.] Ve all use the teleporter, let's say six times a day...
[Cut to the rest of the team, Scout is still rubbing his sore neck, the Soldier stands stoically, the Heavy still leans on the fridge door, Sandvich now half-eaten, and the Engineer replaces his helmet, backwards as usual. Cut back to the Medic]
Medic: Times four years. Minus...ve're not bread. Hmm.
[He turns abruptly. The Spy is startled]
Medic: Three days. Yes.
[The strings rise to a crescendo while the camera dramatically zooms to the Medic's face. Deep chimes accent the moment]
Medic: We all have three days to live.
[The strings slow then stop. Cut back to the team. The Scout and Heavy look worried while the Engineer looks down at the floor. The Soldier, confused, counts off: one, two...]
Demoman: Whooooooooo!! Woooooo!!
[He appears in a flash from the idle Teleporter. He triumphantly celebrates his arrival with a crate of beer with limes wedged in the necks, his grenades on his vest removed to carry bottles. As his wobbles precariously on the Teleporter as it slows down, we can see that he is also festively clad in a sombrero and novelty Margarita shaped sunglasses while also carrying another beer]
Demoman: Woo. [he looks around at their faces] What?
[Expiration Date Title Card]
[RED BASE: 70 HOURS TIL DEATH Cut to the RED BREAD building. It is now night and a lone Level 1 Sentry guards the entrance. A march-like drum beat plays]
[Cut to a close-up of a poker table. A cigar smolders in the ashtray while the Spy unceremoniously drops a metal pail. It is filled with note cards. A literal bucket list.]
Spy: This is a bucket.
[Cut to a side shot of the mercenaries at the poker table. With the Demoman on the far right in the foreground grasping his bottle, everyone else is arranged counter-clockwise from him: Pyro, Sniper, Heavy, Scout, Soldier, and Spy on the right foreground. Everyone is wearing an odd watch with a large digital display. Half-standing, the Soldier examines the bucket.]
Soldier: Dear God.
Spy: There's more.
Soldier: [astonished] No!
Spy: [ignoring him] It contains the dying wish of every man here. [turns] Scout. You did collect everyone's dying wish?
Scout: Oh, you bet!
[He salutes. The Heavy slowly folds his arms.]
Spy: Excellent. Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches.
[Cut to a close-up of the watch. Red embossing tape declares it a "DEATH CLOCK". The display beeps as the various mercenaries set their watches. It reads 70:00:00. 70 hours left to live and counting. Taps-like trumpet-playing is heard.]
[All the mercenaries are expressionless except for the Heavy who is on the verge of falling asleep with his arms folded. The Spy steps from the front of the table and walks from right to left, lit cigarette in his right hand, and the left firmly clasped behind his back.]
Spy: We have seventy hours to live. For most men, no time at all.
[The camera cuts to a shot of the Spy walking behind Heavy's back. A Payload Pinball machine can be seen in the background. The music swells from mournful to patriotic. He places a hand on the Heavy's shoulder, jerking him awake. The Heavy momentarily looks guilty.]
Spy: We are not most men.
[The Spy now walks behind the table. The camera pans to a shot showing all the mercenaries gathered around the table intently focusing on his words.]
Spy: We are mercenaries. We have the resources. The will. To make these hours count! [he gestures emphatically with his lit cigarette while the trumpets and drum beats swell]
Spy: [sudden close-up while the background music cuts off] The clock is ticking, gentlemen. Let's begin.
[Reverse shot with the bucket in the foreground. The mercenaries' expressions show varying degrees of interest. The Spy draws a note card from the bucket.]
Spy: Our first dying wish is Scout's. [he gestures] He's...
[The Spy examines the card. His brow wrinkles]
Spy: ...drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car.
[The drawing is somewhat crude. The muscle car is drawn in much greater detail than the Spy who is thrown up into the air, becoming disemboweled with blood spurting everywhere.]
Spy: [he peers closer] I have something radiating off of me.
Scout: Yeah, those are stink lines.
[He turns to the rest of the mercenaries in a mock whisper. The Heavy is mildly amused.]
Scout: That's why the car hit him. Cause he smells.
Spy: [rolling his eyes as he draws another card] Yes I see. Here you've drawn me having...
[The camera tastefully remains on his face.]
Spy: [somewhat bemused] ...sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower. [he tosses it and draws another while the Scout giggles] The Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me. [toss and giggle] Both of us relaxing post-coitus.
[The Demoman confusingly mouths "post-coitus" and the Scout is nearly in tears with laughter.]
Spy: [growing more irritated] I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it. [he angrily throws the card down] Did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?!
[The Heavy and Sniper are slightly amused. The Scout is near breathless with laughter.]
Scout: [giggling] Oh man, Classic Scout.
Spy: [sighing] Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.
Soldier: [pulling out a card] You did not read mine!
Spy: [another sigh] Does it say you want the bucket?
Soldier: [interrupting] Yes!
[Disgusted, the Spy slides the bucket over as the rest of the mercenaries get up to leave. The Soldier greedily grabs the pail with both hands. The camera moves to an overhead shot of the now-empty table as the Spy pulls his Cigarette Case from his jacket and draws a cigarette.]
Spy: See you all in hell. [he snaps the case shut]
[The camera switches to the mercenaries walking down a hallway. The Soldier stops and examines his new bucket next to a sign pointing to the "LAB". Mid-tempo mysterious music plays with rhythmic drums, piano, and plucked strings. The Engineer and Medic walk by pushing Teleporters and piles of bread on two carts to the lab. A loaf of the bread falls off of the pile and Soldier gasps and grabs his bucket more tightly. The camera spotlights the loaf with ominous bass piano notes. A grin appears on his face as he stares at the fallen loaf. The screen cuts to black.]
[SPY'S SMOKING ROOM: 58 HOURS TIL DEATH Cut to rear shot of the Spy sitting back in his leather arm chair. The room is dimly lit with moonlight and the warm glow of the fireplace. The Spy swirls his cut crystal glass and takes a drink whilst reading "Dapper Cadavar Monthly" magazine, as the track of the same name plays in the background. Someone knocks on his door.]
Spy: Go away.
[He flips a page and frowns. The Scout opens the door and peeks in.]
Scout: Hey, ah, you got a second?
Spy: Oh, Scout. Please. Go [bleep] yourself.
Scout: [nervously] Yeah. Hey that's, that's funny. Um. Anyway I-
[The Spy suddenly lunges towards the door, slamming it shut on Scout's body. He leans on it trying to force Scout out.]
Scout: [in pain] Wait! Wait! Wait! Ow. Come on, Spy.
[The Spy raises his knife, threateningly]
Scout: I'm wedging my head through a door here to tell you I'm sorry.
Spy: [rolls his eyes and gets off the door, light chimes and strings play] Make it quick. [he lights a cigarette]
Scout: [straightening himself out] So, I did write down a last wish. [he brings out a card] I'd uh. I'd like to go on a date...with Miss Pauling.
Spy: [turns] You? You're terrible with girls.
Scout: What? No. No. No. Spy, look at this. And this. And this here. Spy, look at all of this. [he gestures to different parts of his body and spins around] Heh. No. I'm great with girls.
[Scene flashes back to a cheap fast food joint. Scout and a busty, blonde haired woman are standing at a counter with buckets of "Conquistador Fried Giblets" brand chicken drumsticks.]
Scout: We both got buckets of chicken. Wanna do it?
Blonde Woman: [shrugs] Eh, okay.
[Scene switches back to Spy and Scout.]
Scout: [frantic yet hushed strings play] But you, Spy. You are amazing with ladies. You know, classy ones. The kind that smell good, and can read. And that always have their glasses on just kind of crooked. You know? The ones that don't go for a guy like me.
[Spy looks at Scout with a smug grin.]
Spy: Hmm, and why is that, do you think?
Scout: C'mon, Spy, I don't know.
Spy: Well, a mystery we will take to our graves then. Goodbye.
[Spy walks away to pour a drink. The bar has several bottles of RED wine, glasses, and a console. He selects a rocks glass to pour a hard liquor.]
Scout: Wait. Wait. Ah. [sigh] Okay. Look. Fine. Spy. This never leaves this room [sigh]. You are better than me. All right? I need your help.
[Spy stops pouring, looks up, and turns towards Scout.]
Spy: I'll do it. On one condition.
[The Spy pushes a button on the console and a microphone pops up. He blows into it, causing feedback which reverberates throughout the building. The camera goes from the poker table with the Demoman drinking, the Heavy and Sniper dozing, and the Pyro reading a magazine; to the Medic and Engineer in a lab, with the tumorized bread; and to Soldier carrying away a giant pile of bread loaves in his arms. All perk up to the sound of feedback on the speakers.]
Spy: Say that [pushes microphone towards Scout] again.
[The strings hold, then fade as the scene cuts to black.]
[TRAINING GYM: 51 HOURS TIL DEATH Camera slowly pans into a nearly empty gymnasium. The Scout bounces on his feet on the right, looking nervous. The Spy calmly places a wine bottle on a cart and inspects two wine glasses. Behind him is a crash-test dummy, hanging on a stand. He places down a glass. Ominous bass strings play.]
[The Scout coughs and the Spy delicately places the second glass down. He pushes the cart which rolls to a stop in front of the Scout. It also holds a bucket of drumsticks, red roses, a vase, and a box of RED chocolates.]
Spy: [nonchalantly] Seduce me.
[The Scout looks back, confused, and turns forward, arms akimbo.]
Spy: [pointedly] Seduce me.
Scout: What, Spy? I ain't gonna...
Spy: SEDUCE ME!.
Scout: [taken aback] Right! Right. Okay. [He looks down at the cart. He immediately picks up the bucket of fried chicken and lets out a quick sigh.] Okay... [He walks up to the Spy.] H-hey there, good-lookin'... I got a bucket of chicken...
Spy: [He slaps the chicken out of Scout's hands.] I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps! I'm a woman! I like my men dangerous... Mysterious... [Spy takes the dummy into his arms and starts dancing with it briefly before holding it in front of him.] You want to be my lover?! Earn it! Seduce me! [He uses the dummy to slap Scout across the face, who looks up at him with a hurt expression in his eyes. Spy simply looks down at him with a smug grin on his face. An upbeat, funky jazz track starts playing.]
[The camera cuts to a shot of Spy and Scout in a classroom setting. The word DINNER is written on the chalkboard as Spy says something to the Scout. Later, the Scout can be seen sitting at the head of a long banquet table. At the other end, the Demoman and Sniper can be seen playing the Piano and Saxophone, respectively. Behind him, the Pyro and Spy are holding a bottle of wine and a bucket of chicken. Scout reaches for the bucket of chicken with a grin on his face, but Spy slaps his hand away. The fork flies out of his hand and lands on the Demoman's eyepatch, whose other eye immediately widens.]
[Cut back to Spy and Scout in the classroom, only this time DANCING is written on the chalkboard. Back in the previous room, Scout can be seen awkwardly dancing energetically. He points both his fingers at Spy, who merely shakes his head with disgust. The Spy proceeds to show Scout the proper way to dance, while Scout looks on in confusion. He attempts to mimic the Spy's actions, but instead sends the dummy flying into the Reel-to-Reel player behind them.]
[In the classroom, the word DEMEANOR is now written on the board as the Spy continues to educate Scout, who is busy drawing a picture of Spy being shot in the head. He hits Scout in the face with the pointer, who reels back in pain.]
[Scout can be seen reading a book titled Pick-up Lines for Fast Food Junkies. A can of BONK! is set in front of him. Jump cut to the future, and a pile of books has begun to accumulate around Scout, who has a pencil clenched between his teeth. More cans of BONK! can be seen littered around the room, and he is now reading a book titled Dating Nice Girls. Another jump cut, and the pile of books has been turned into a makeshift throne, which the Scout, who has the Bonk Boy on, reclines in it, a more confident expression on his face.]
[Cut to the Scout back at the banquet table, and he extends his pinkie out as he holds the chicken. Later, he can be seen gently kissing the hand of the dummy as the Spy watches. The Scout then can be seen dancing around the room with the dummy. He lowers the dummy down, holding onto its back with one hand as he looks up to Spy, who nods his head in approval. The head of the dummy falls off as the music reaches a crescendo, and Spy eyes it with a bemused expression on his face. Cut to black.]
[TRAINING GYM : 2 HOURS TIL DEATH Floodlights come to life, illuminating the Scout, who is sitting in a classroom chair in the middle of a wrestling ring. After a brief delay, he raises his hand in front of him to shield his eyes from the bright lights.]
Spy: Final Question... [Cut to a shot of Spy, who is silhouetted against the floodlights.] You have a dinner date for seven... what time do you arrive? [He walks across the ring, awaiting Scout's answer.]
Scout: Seven. A.M. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, I gotta kill him. [He makes a gun formation with his right hand. Spy can be seen walking around Scout as the camera rotates around him in the opposite direction.] Dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy no later than 4:30...
[Spy looks down at Scout, and after a few seconds of thought, speaks...]
Spy: You're ready.
Scout: [hopeful] Really?
Spy: [chucking softly] No. Everything you just said was insane... and, we are out of time. [He sets a glass of liquid in front of the Scout.] Congratulations. You're a failure.
Scout: Oh... [He stands up, bringing the desk with him. He sits back down and slides out of his chair. The Spy rolls his eyes and shakes his head in amusement.] I failed, did I?
Spy: [grinning] Yes.
Scout: Did I?
Scout: Did I?
Spy: [Annoyed] Scout, where is this going?
Scout: Where it's going is I don't need you. I'll put this date on myself!
Spy: [An expression of disbelief crosses his face] Yourself...?
Scout: That's right, fancy pants, myself! [The Spy's mouth twitches as he stops himself from laughing] So why don't you take your little failure, roll it up sideways, and- [The Spy taps his watch, voicelessly reminding Scout of the death watch] -Okay, crap, I gotta go... [He quickly downs the rest of his drink and begins to walk off-screen, but leans back towards the Spy.] Screw you, though... [He walks by an alarm that's labeled In Case of Briefcase theft, push button. As he does so, he turns around, casually hits the button with his fist, and points at the Spy as he walks away. Klaxons start going off and red alarm lights begin flashing.]
[Fade to a shot of the Medic's Laboratory.]
[MEDIC'S LAB : 1 HOUR TIL DEATH]
[The blackboard has the results of previous teleporter experiments written on it. The camera slowly pans to the left, revealing the Engineer and Medic with a pair of teleporters set up between them. As the Medic inspects the teleporter, the Engineer calls out to him.]
Engineer: Y'all ready?
Medic: [Turning to the Engineer] Ready!
[The Engineer picks up a loaf of bread. The tumors are now plainly visible on the outside. He sniffs it briefly, then recoils backwards, making a noise of disgust. He places the bread on the teleporter, and it disappears in a flash of light. About a second later, it reappears in front of the Medic, and begins chittering loudly, squirming in place.]
[The Medic leans forward with interest. The bread grows teeth and roars at the Medic, who lets out a scream of fear as the bread creature leaps at his throat and latches onto it. The Medic continues to scream as he grabs onto the bread creature and attempts to pry it off.]
Engineer: Aww hell...
[The Engineer walks off-camera as energetic drums start to play in the background. Cut to a shot of Miss Pauling on a scooter, speeding towards RED Base. A body bag and shovel can be seen strapped to the back of it. She ramps off the wooden bush and flies right through the curtain. A look of determination can be seen on her face. She comes to a stop outside a steel plate door and hops off of the scooter, shotgun in hand.]
[RED BASE : 40 MINUTES TIL DEATH]
[As Miss Pauling walks towards the door, the scooter falls onto its side. The severed hand of what is presumably the BLU Heavy falls out of one of the bags. Miss Pauling briefly turns towards the scooter, as if to set it back upright, but instead continues on towards the door. She places her back up against the wall to the left of the door and glances upwards briefly.]
Miss Pauling: [Quickly] You're ready. Alright. [She lets out a deep breath, cocks the shotgun, and pushes the door open, spinning around and bringing the shotgun to Scout's chest, who's waiting for her there.]
Scout: [unconvincingly] Miss Pauling. What an unexpected surprise.
Miss Pauling: They took the briefcase... Don't worry, we can fix this. [She pushes past the Scout, who follows her.] We'll get it back, and the Administrator never has to know.
[A security camera tracks their movements as Miss Pauling adjusts her glasses.]
Scout: You look... You look... aahhhhhh...
[Close up of the camera, then cut to a shot of Demoman, Soldier, and Spy in a room full of monitors, watching the two interact. Spy is sitting in the chair in front of the monitors while Soldier and Demoman stand behind him.]
Soldier: Round! Soft! No, round!
[The Spy shakes his head, lowers his eyes, and brings his fingers to his temple in annoyance. Cut back to Scout and Miss Pauling.]
Miss Pauling: [Briefly glancing over at Scout] Uh-huh. You too. [Brief flash over to Spy, whose gaze returns to the monitor.] Hold on... That's the briefcase right there... Scout, you... [She turns to Scout, then she notices something off-screen.] Scout, are we having a prom?
[Cut to a shot of the room behind them, which is decorated with ribbons, balloons, streamers, and various themed decorations while rocking jazz music plays. One of Medic's doves can be seen sitting in a birdcage hanging from the ceiling.]
Scout: Yeah. Nah. Yeah-ah. Well the... Yeah, the thing is...
[Cut to a shot of Soldier, Spy, and Demo watching the monitors. Soldier has a grin on his face, Demo looks concerned, and Spy looks very worried. Suddenly the Engineer bursts in through the door behind them.]
Engineer: Guys! Hey fellas, listen! It's just bread that gets tumors!
Medic: [Appearing behind the Engineer] It's not even tumors! It's some form of self-aware beauty mark that only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat. Here, watch this.
[The Medic shakes up the jar he's carrying, which contains the bread creature from earlier. It spins around in the jar and comes to a stop.] Ooh, look! It hates me so much! [The bread creature attempts to bite the Medic again as the Soldier leans in for a closer look. The bread creature flips itself in the jar and gnashes its teeth at the bottom of the container, and the Soldier chuckles to himself at its actions. The Engineer walks up to Soldier and Medic and places his arms around their shoulders.]
Engineer: [Laughing] So, we're fine. As long as nobody teleports any bread.
Engineer: What's your question, Soldier?
Soldier: I teleported bread.
Engineer: You what?
Soldier: You told me to.
Engineer: [Threateningly] How... much...?
Soldier: [Leaning backwards] I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.
[The Medic throws the jar containing the bread creature onto the ground. Shattering glass can be heard.']
Medic: Where?! [He grabs the Soldier by his coat.] Where have you been sending it?!
[An ominous rumble shakes the entire base as the group look up at the ceiling. Cut to Scout and Miss Pauling, who are also looking up at the ceiling].
Miss Pauling: Scout... I get one day off a year. And you just wasted it on-- [She looks around her, pausing mid-sentence.] --this! Goodbye!
Scout: Wait! Wait! Wait! Ah... [Scout walks towards a door labeled Dining Area.] Why don't we discuss it over dinner...? (Note: captions read "diner")[He opens the door to reveal the maw of a giant bread monster, who lets out a loud roar, all while an epic orchestra plays.]
Miss Pauling: [Yelling] What the hell is that!?
[The bread monster crashes through the door as Scout pulls Miss Pauling out of harm's way. The two run for the exit as the bread monster lunges after them, crashing through a wall. Scout backs up as one of the tentacles swipes at him. The dove from earlier flies at the monster and is promptly eaten by it. The wooden platform they're standing on creaks from the weight of the monster. Both Scout and Miss Pauling look down at the wood below them. Another jolt knocks them off their feet. Now weakened, the wooden platform collapses, sending the trio plummeting to the dirt below. Miss Pauling tumbles unceremoniously to the ground, helmet falling off of her head. The Scout, meanwhile, bounces off the bread monster and lands on his feet in a battle stance. He glances down to his right, and picks up a long piece of twisted metal with a spike on the end of it to use as a makeshift weapon.]
Scout: Miss Pauling, run!
[Scout motions for her to escape to safety. Miss Pauling climbs to her feet and darts away, pressing herself up against the RED payload bomb. Heavy, Medic, and Pyro rush to the aid of Scout and Miss Pauling. Heavy and Medic pause and look at the bread monster with fear in their eyes.]
Heavy: [Turning to the Medic] NOW, DOCTOR!
[Medic looks at the Heavy, then flips the handle of his Medi Gun. The healing beam latches onto the Heavy, and the Medi Gun crackles with energy as the ÜberCharge is deployed. Heavy revs his mini-gun up and walks towards the bread monster, firing his weapon. The Pyro can also be seen engulfing the monster in flames. It smashes the cliff face with a tentacle, causing rock to come tumbling down on the Heavy, who endures the debris pounding down on his back.]
[Cut to a shot of Miss Pauling watching the battle. The Pyro can be seen dashing back to the battle, having presumably been knocked back by the bread monster. Miss Pauling steps forward and turns to look at the bomb. The camera zooms in on the top of the bomb where the words DANGER: BOMB are spray-painted onto it. A look of realization appears on her face.]
[Cut back to the battle, and the Pyro stomps on one of the tentacles. The bread monster turns his attention towards the Pyro, and immediately has its mouth filled with fire. It recoils in pain, letting out a loud roar. Scout can be seen dodging the tentacles, jumping onto one and using his makeshift weapon to impale one of the other tentacles. In the background, the Heavy and Medic pushes forward while the Engineer and Demoman stay behind to build up a sentry and lob grenades at the bread monster, respectively. The Engineer smacks his Sentry Gun with his wrench, upgrading it to Level 2, and he motions for Demoman to move up.]
[Miss Pauling has now removed the panel off of the detonation mechanism of the bomb, and can be seen frantically messing with the wires. Scout, meanwhile, runs up to the side of the bread monster and slams his club into it. He then gets grabbed by a tentacle and is yanked into the air. The Sniper arrives at the battle, and after a brief moment of aiming, shoots the tentacle holding Scout, freeing him from its grasp. The monster throws Scout at the Demoman, and they both collapse onto the ground. The Scout scrambles to his feet and rushes forward, but is stopped by an uncloaking Spy.]
Spy: I think it's going pretty well... [He gives the Scout a pat on the back as a cloud of dust rolls over them.] Now go...! [He waves the Scout off and runs forward into battle. Scout turns back to Miss Pauling.]
Scout: Hey, Miss Pauling. Oh, I am so sorry...
Miss Pauling: [Looking up from the wires] God, Scout, what for? Pressing the one button you're never supposed to press? Do you have any idea what's in a briefcase that-- [Miss Pauling spots the watch on Scout's arm] --Oh, oh! Give me your watch! [She holds her hand out expectantly]
Scout: Yeah. Exactly! [He removes the watch from his arm and gives it to Miss Pauling] See, that is where this all starts! No, actually, wait...
[The Scout is interrupted by a scream, and the Soldier flies into the hangar and lands on the ground.]
Soldier: [proudly] HA HA HA! I TELEPORTED BREAD!
[Soldier is grabbed by a tentacle, dragged over towards the monster, and then thrown into a pile of broken lumber. In the distance, a tentacle knocks over both the Pyro and the Demoman as the Engineer hastily backs up to avoid another tentacle. The Sniper attempts to take another shot at the monster but instead is lifted into the air by a tentacle that has grabbed a hold of the barrel of the rifle. He gets swung to one side and loses his grip on his gun. The Sniper tumbles through the gravel briefly before getting back to his feet and taking out his Kukri. He's about to rush forward to attack the monster but pauses as the RED Bomb trundles into view.]
Scout: ...so that brings me to the point of this story, which is I like you, and you should probably be sitting for this...
[In the background, the Medic hurriedly rushed forward to heal the Pyro, who has been lifted by another tentacle]
Miss Pauling: GUYS! CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS! [She points at the hangar they just exited from.]
[Engineer looks at her, then abandons his Sentry, which is now Level 3, to rush into the hangar. The Medic runs in front of the camera as it focuses back on Scout and Miss Pauling.]
Scout: Miss Pauling. Look, my last few hours I just wanted...
[The bread monster grabs a hold of the bomb and swings it around in the air. It lets out another roar.]
Heavy: [Struggling to keep the blast doors open] COME ON!
Scout: Um, never mind...
Miss Pauling: RUN!
[The two rush towards the hangar, but they get cut off by the payload bomb being thrown at the blast doors, bending them and denying them access.]
Scout: Oh God...
[They back up towards the blast doors as the bread monster lumbers towards them slowly. A large fire has broken out behind it. Cut to a close-up of Scout and Miss Pauling. Scout is busy searching for an escape route while Miss Pauling has a look of terror on her face. Scout grabs a hold of her and yanks her off to one side as the bread monster knocks the bomb around. They take shelter behind it. Scout looks at the monster, which lets out a long roar. Fast zoom to the inside of its mouth, and the dove it swallowed earlier is seen sitting inside it. Scout and Miss Pauling look on, amazed, as the dove takes off and flies away.]
[Miss Pauling looks Scout in the eyes, grabs a hold of his arm, and gives him a nod of approval. She lets out a yelp as one of the bread monster's tentacles slams into the ground. Scout grabs a hold of her and, making use of the dance moves he learned from Spy, keeps her safe from harm. They stop as he holds her up and looks at her. She looks back at him for a few moments, then shoots an oncoming tentacle with the gun in her hand. He twirls her back onto her feet and the two start running.]
[Cut to a close-up of the timer, which ticks down to two seconds. Scout and Miss Pauling run at the bread monster as she lets out a yelp. The timer ticks down to one second as they leap straight into the open maw of the monster. It closes its mouth as the bomb explodes. A bright flash of light can be seen engulfing the monster, then the screen cuts to black.]
[A match is lit, revealing Scout and Miss Pauling pressed up against each other in a dark enclosed space.]
Scout: [Struggling] Aaahhhh... Ah... Miss Pauling, you all right?
Miss Pauling: [Opening her eyes] I can't feel anything below my neck...
Scout: Oh God...
Miss Pauling: Oh. Now I can feel it. Ow. Ow.
Scout: Oh God, I am so sorry. This is...
Miss Pauling: That... was so... much... FUN! [A smile forms on her face]
Scout: [A look of confusion on his face] You're not mad?
Miss Pauling: [quickly] I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?
Scout: Yeah, sure! [He smiles, then it quickly turns into a frown] Wait, nah. We can't. I'm going to be dead.
Miss Pauling: [Confused] Wait, what?
Soldier: [Poking his head into the cavity] Good news! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!
[The Heavy lifts up the side of the monster's body, allowing light to flood over Scout and Miss Pauling.]
Medic:I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!
Scout: Oh thank God. [relaxes and chuckles] So yeah, Miss Pauling. I guess it's a date.
Miss Pauling: Actually this is my only day off this year.
Miss Pauling: Oh, but you can ride along with me on some jobs. [brings out a flip notebook]
[The camera slowly pulls back to reveal the body of the monster, which now lays motionless. Engineer and Medic are seen at the bottom of the shot discussing something. Spy flicks open his disguise kit, plucks a cigarette out of it, then snaps it closed again. Heavy grabs one of the detached tentacles and heaves it off to one side, then walks over to the Demoman, who is carrying a case of beer under his arm. The Sniper is on the backside of the monster, cleaning his Kukri. As the camera pulls back farther, the Pyro can be seen coming into the shot, who has the small bread monster darting around his legs like a puppy as they try to keep track of it.]
Miss Pauling: Tomorrow...I'm belt sanding the fingerprints off a pile of corpses.
Scout: Ah, no.
Miss Pauling: Oh! You can help me yank the molars out of a box full of heads.
Scout: No to that.
Miss Pauling: Well, on Friday I got to kill someone who pressed a briefcase alarm button and...oh.
[Cut to black]
Miss Pauling: You're already going to be at that one.
[The screen then cuts to a text with the Team Fortress 2: Free to Play logo with the sharp tolling of a bell. Another ring comes with the appearance of the text "www.teamfortress.com". The bell rings a third time and the screen blacks out again]
As the Heavy, Scout, and Soldier return from a mission to capture a briefcase, Miss Pauling video calls them to ask how the mission went. She is slightly irritated that they left witnesses that she has to take care of for them. After arriving back at the base, Scout tries to ask her out, but he is unable to think of anything to say to her.
At the base, they hear bad news from Engineer and Medic: teleporting bread results in large green tumors inside, leading them to conclude that the mercenaries have the tumors as well, and will all die. The Medic estimates that each team member has about three days left to live. Engineer provides each team member with a wristwatch that will count down to the time of the mercenaries' demises.
In face of this news, Spy decides to collect a bucket list in a literal bucket. Spy delegated the task of collecting wishes to Scout, who has filled it with drawings of the Spy being hit by a car and having a romantic relationship with the Eiffel Tower. Spy remarks that his time has been wasted, and angrily bids the team farewell, after giving the Soldier the bucket. The Soldier then takes his bucket and picks up a loaf of bread dropped by the Medic.
Afterwards, Scout comes to Spy's smoking room to apologize and seek his help. He confides that he did have a real wish for the bucket list: a date with Miss Pauling. Scout admits to Spy that while he himself is good with girls (a scene with the Tramp Girl appears), he is vastly outclassed by Spy when it comes to ladies. Scout then admits Spy is better than him, and Spy demands that broadcast around the base as payment for his services.
Spy agrees to coach Scout in how to behave around a lady. While Scout shows some progress, Spy ultimately declares Scout a failure. When Scout retaliates towards Spy's attitude, Scout decides to do things his own way, which appears to have surprised and impressed the Spy.
With two hours left on his death watch, Scout decides to take things into his own hands. He calls Miss Pauling to the base by pressing the alarm button for the briefcase being stolen. She hurriedly arrives on the scene, but is infuriated upon learning that the briefcase is actually secure. While trying to talk to Pauling, the Soldier, Spy and Demoman spectate from another room. Spy is surprised that Scout is doing surprisingly well.
Meanwhile, through experimentation, Medic and Engineer have come to the conclusion that the growths in the bread are, in fact, not tumors at all, but a self-aware birthmark that can only thrive in pure wheat. This means none of the mercenaries have tumors, and thus are not going to die. They enter the room that Soldier, Spy and Demoman are in and inform them that they are fine as long as no more bread is teleported. To their horror, though, it seems that Soldier's last wish has been to do nothing but teleport bread for the past three days.
Upset at Scout for wasting her “one day off a year”, Miss Pauling begins to leave. As Scout attempts to get her to stay, he opens a door, only to be confronted by a giant Bread Monster. A fight breaks out, with the other mercenaries rushing to their aid. One of the Medic's pet doves ends up eaten by the monster.
During the fight, Miss Pauling attempts to blow up the Bread Monster by using a Payload cart, strapping the Scout's death watch to it to serve as a timer. As Scout attempts to help her, she and Scout end up trapped on the wrong side of the blast doors as the bomb is about to blow up. The two notice that the dove that the Bread Monster ate is flying harmlessly out of the mouth of the monster. They wordlessly agree to jump into the mouth of the Bread Monster, which they proceed to do in the nick of time. The Payload cart subsequently blows up, killing the Bread Monster.
Stunned by the blast, Miss Pauling and Scout painfully but quickly recover inside the bread monster. Once she recovers, Miss Pauling admits that the experience was fun. Scout tells her about the death prognosis just as the two are helped out of the remains of the gigantic Bread Monster by the rest of the team. The Medic informs them that only bread mutates, and that they will all be fine (after the Soldier mistakenly states that they will live forever), while the Pyro starts playfully chasing down the remaining small Bread Monster.
The story ends with Scout trying to get another date, but Miss Pauling having to decline due to already having spent her one day of vacation this year. She does, however, offer to have Scout to come along at work, though he declines each task Pauling lists until she comes to the task of killing the one who pulled the briefcase alarm, which she says that Scout will already be at.
- Ashly Burch, the voice of Miss Pauling, also helped write some of the short.
- This is the first Valve-made TF2 short to feature Miss Pauling, and the second to feature characters apart from the RED and BLU team (the first being the Second Annual Saxxy Awards trailer.)
- Nolan North voices the Engineer's new lines, as the original voice actor, Grant Goodeve, was unavailable.
- However, some of the Engineer's lines are extracted sound files from Grant Goodeve. An example being "Y'all ready?" (9:00) and "Awww. Hell." (9:14)
- The team responsible for the 2013 Best Overall Saxxy award-winning short, Lil' Guardian Pyro, helped animate a small section of Expiration Date.  
- This is the final Team Fortress video to feature Rick May record new lines for the Soldier before his death in 2020.
- Nathan Vetterlein said he worked very closely with Ashly Burch during the short's creation..
- At 4:16, the Scout line, "Classic Scout", was improvised by voice actor Nathan Vetterlein as detailed in his Twitch Stream.
- While the entire film was planned a year in advance, actual production of the short took about six months.
- References to the general culture and the Team Fortress universe are made in the movie:
- The title card displays "COPYRIGHT LOLOLOL" on the bottom right corner, a recurring joke throughout the "Meet the Team" videos. The cards in the bucket also read "LOL."
- The location of the RED Base is in an edited version of the map Hydro.
- The RED Bread van's hood ornament reads 'Sword'. This is a reference to the "Sword Van" comic from KC Green's "Custom Comix".
- At 0:40, the sound of Miss Pauling's pistol is identical to the sound of the Cleaner's Carbine, the Pistol also appears to be a Pretty Boy's Pocket Pistol with a silencer attached, but at 1:21 sounds identical to the Revolver
- At 0:53, the keypad on the door to the back of the van is clearly shown, and has a worn out "1" key, in reference to Meet the Spy where the Intelligence room keypad has an identical worn key. Apparently the RED team's passcodes are the same as the BLU team.
- At 1:57, when Medic breaks the loaf of bread to reveal tumors, Scout recoils in disgust, holding his hands up as if to defend himself and hunching over to the left. This is identical to Scout's recoil in Meet the Spy at 2:24.
- At 2:43, when Demo comes back through the teleporter with the beer, he does the same animation as the Oblooterated taunt the demo does in game. The taunt was added in game a day after this video was released.
- At 3:26, there is a pinball machine depicted by a Payload Cart with the words "Payload Pinball", a reference to the Payload Game Mode.
- At 3:51, the drawing of the Spy being hit by a car is a very similar drawing to one found in the Source Filmmaker Beta files.
- At 5:55, a painting of a bowl of fruit with a knife in the apple is seen behind the Spy. This painting is a parody of Still Life with Fruit, a painting by Caravaggio.
- At 6:04, a painting can be seen behind the Spy of him riding a horse. This painting is a parody of Napoleon Crossing the Alps, a painting by Jacques-Louis David originally featuring Napoleon Bonaparte.
- At 6:22, the Pyro appears to be reading "MAN MAN", a comic which features the RED Spy and Scout on the cover and has The Insult That Made a "Jarate Master" Out of Sniper on the back cover, last seen in Meet the Medic.
- At 6:25, the Soldier is carrying several loaves of bread.
- At 7:28, when learning to dance, the Scout first performs the dance move from Tom Jones' song "It's Not Unusual".
- This was later added to the game as the Carlton taunt in 2016.
- During the dancing scene, a recorder is visible that looks like the Red-Tape Recorder.
- Miss Pauling tells Scout that she gets one day off a year. This is first hinted at in the Wizardcon secret page from the Spectral Halloween Special update.
- When the Soldier tells the Engineer he has a question, he does not actually ask a question. Instead he makes a statement. This is probably a reference to the Soldier's low intelligence.
- At 12:58 - 13:30, Miss Pauling is holding a community created Revolver called the Double agent
- This gun heavily resembles the real-world American Derringer Model 1.
- As Scout and Pauling run towards the Bread Monster, they perform a short dance routine. The dance scene is interpreted within the action/fight scene.
- Expiration Date featured multiple cosmetic items before their official release:
- Matthew Russell, a former animator at Valve, released an animation demo reel that features scenes from Expiration Date. A few of these scenes are different compared to the final product:
- When the Soldier slams Scout on the table and strangles him, Scout chokes out "Not... my fault." before the Engineer interrupts them. The camera angle is also slightly higher up than in the final video.
- Miss Pauling has a different appearance, wearing a purple T-Shirt and having a slightly different face.
- Miss Pauling's arrival at the RED Base is at daytime, and her scooter has a different, red-colored model.
- A scene not present in the final video has Miss Pauling be seated at a candle-lit dinner table by the Heavy, who also takes off her helmet.
- Some mistakes and inconsistencies are present in the short film:
- The BLU Soldier is missing from the roof of the van during the opening scene, and only appears once the van approaches the base. This could be an Easter Egg and may not be an error.
- At 1:35, the Medic's left hand clips with his backpack.
- In all subsequent shots, the Medic's backpack is missing.
- At 2:34, the tool rack behind the Ciggy Stop is missing. It reappears at 2:45.
- At 2:45, when the Demoman returns from the Teleporter exit he can be seen levitating above the actual Teleporter.
- At 3:02, the animation when Scout smiles and looks at Soldier is recycled seconds later at 3:05.
- The Scout is wearing his backpack during this scene, but it's absent in all other scenes.
- At 3:11, and several times during the scene, the Pyro's grenades appear sideways.
- During this scene, the Heavy appears to wearing his watch, but with no strap.
- In subsequent shots, the Heavy's death watch seems to be missing, until 3:42.
- At 4:16, the Sniper's watch floats in front of his waist instead of being strapped to his left wrist. This is most likely a mistake in model posing.
- At 5:01, Spy's model does not sync with the censored word (F***)
- At 6:05, Spy's microphone is not visible but later appears before he pushes the button at 6:15.
- At 6:08 when Spy is pouring a drink, the liquid flowing out of the bottle is black but becomes a translucent amber color as it fills the glass.
- This is likely a modeling error, where there is no texture for the flowing liquid and appears black because of the lighting.
- At 6:23, a lighter is floating under the comic the Pyro is holding, presumably originally intended to be in his hand, to try and light the comic on fire with. This is a reference to "Meet The Medic", in which the Pyro is also attempting to light a comic he's reading.
- At 8:17, the Spy produces a beverage from behind his back in his left hand, even though his left hand can be seen holding nothing behind his back at 8:06.
- At 10:22, just as the Engineer comes to rest his arms on the shoulder's of the Soldier and the Medic, the Engineer's right arm clips through Medic's backpack.
- At 11:29 when the Medic ÜberCharges the Heavy, it does not affect the Medic.
- At 11:14, we see the right side of Ms. Pauling's glasses slant down. Yet in the next shot at 11:17, the left side of her glasses is slanted.
- At 11:48, Engineer is seen upgrading his level one sentry to a level 2 far away from the monster, but at 12:31 he is seen hitting a level one sentry right next to the monster, and then at 12:42 he is seen next to a level 3 sentry where his level 2 was.
- At 11:30, Pyro is seen on by the left side of the monster, but at 11:36 he is seen running past the bomb and Ms. Pauling.
- At 11:31, Scout's right arm clips through Soldier's torso.
- At 11:55, the Scout's weapon clips through the side of the bread monster after he hits it.
- At 11:59, the Sniper Rifle uses the same firing sound as the AWPer Hand instead of its default firing sound.
- At 12:03-12:37, the Heavy's default Minigun firing sound changes to the Tomislav's firing sound instead. Then changes back to its default firing sound at 12:38.
- At 12:16, Miss Pauling's model does not sync the last word of her sentence ("press").
- At 12:23, the Direct Hit can be heard firing, but Soldier was not carrying any weapon when seen at 12:25.
- At 12:41, the Heavy can be seen falling back from the monster, right next to Ms. Pauling. But in 12:43, he is rapidly firing his Minigun next to the Engineer (which is the direction Ms. Pauling is shouting at).
- At 12:43, the Engineer's Sentry Gun is clicking as if trying to fire without ammo, but the barrels are not spinning.
- Anthony Burch, "Ash helped write the latest TF2 short and she voices Miss Pauling.". Published June 17, 2014. Retrieved June 17, 2014.
- Nolan North, "all of 'em". Published June 17, 2014. Retrieved June 17, 2014.
- Working on a Part of the short
- LGP Mocap session at Valve
- Harry101UK, who attended Valve for winning the 2013 Saxxies
- KC Green's Custom Comix
- Matthew Russell Animation Demo Reel